April 17, 2026
(Imagine Otherwise) —“Parents should never make their child feel shame.”
I present a version of this statement each semester in my undergraduate seminar, then ask my students to indicate the extent to which they agree with it. I do so using a 5-point scale, partly because I’m a psychologist and we love our Likert scales, but also because even single-point discrepancies can get a discussion going. Is there really never an occasion for shame? Or should parents dole out criticism as readily as they dispense praise?
What divides the camp on shame are beliefs about its effects. Some students view shame as causing lasting, irreparable harm to a child’s well-being. On the other end of the scale are students who see shame as beneficial and even necessary for children’s healthy development. In the middle are the caveats: experiences of shame can be helpful for some kids, with certain parents, delivered in a certain way, but it can be devastating for others. The question, of course, is how a parent knows how shaming will land – not just today, but years or even decades into the future. The middle ground may be the safest place to stake a theoretical claim, but it’s the hardest to put into practice.
Read Dr. Chen’s full article here.